Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no