Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I mean…but I did
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Just parrot things
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*