[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
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My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt