[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok