I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life