It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
the red hot silly peppers
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”