Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
You Might Also Like
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.