My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
A friend sent me this.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table