I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside