[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
You Might Also Like
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
listen closely
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you