Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Sign at work today
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu