If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”