before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Saturday
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?