I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
それは草
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.