Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
🙂🐾
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.