marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…