“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Good morning y’all ☀️
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.