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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”