*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.