[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.