Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.