If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.