Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
wow
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?