Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead