Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask