The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.