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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.