*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
i will not be silenced
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
How all things should be taught/explained.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.