[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.