ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Probably my best painting.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know