I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
it be like that
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.