This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
ibopfufen
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.