My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
i hate you platonically
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her