My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
You Might Also Like
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.