Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.