Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
there has never been a better use of this meme
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
2022: I can fix it
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.