Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Time heals everything 🙂
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning