Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Well, that should do it
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
what it’s like dating me:
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”