me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.