Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You Might Also Like
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay