I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body