Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing