Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.