*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
You Might Also Like
same bro
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
pat pat
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.