Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Breaking news:
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…