My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
You Might Also Like
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.