Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
You Might Also Like
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Bros before Ohioes
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.