I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Jogging
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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