My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy