*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You Might Also Like
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.